I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
