I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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