I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
