Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
