Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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