I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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