Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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