Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
