I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
