She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
