i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
why is half of my head shaved?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
