i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I need a burrito and a hug.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
