Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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