High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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