I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
