I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
