The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
