I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize