I am midnight drunk by noon
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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