just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
