When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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