SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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