Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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