I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
