I haven't been this sober since birth.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
FUCK WHALES
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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