in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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