You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
