Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
