I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
