she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
