So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the day after is always just damage control
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
