When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
