I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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