I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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