Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
