I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
