I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Is Oprah even human
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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