Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Everclear isn't food dammit
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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