Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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