i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
