I met the friendliest cop last night
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
