it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
