Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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