Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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