I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
