did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
