wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
