Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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