i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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