I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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