just come out here and I will go home with you...
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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