we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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