i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
