you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
