No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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